Bahá’í Marriage and Family Life/I. The Institution of Marriage
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I. THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE
[edit]A. Law of Marriage
[edit]1. “And when He desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and to set the world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book. He saith, great is His glory: ‘Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves.’”
2. “The pious deeds of the monks and priests among the followers of the Spirit – upon Him be the peace of God – are remembered in His presence. In this Day, however, let them give up the life of seclusion and direct their steps towards the open world and busy themselves with that which will profit themselves
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and others. We have granted them leave to enter into wedlock that they may bring forth one who will make mention of God, the Lord of the seen and the unseen, the Lord of the Exalted Throne.”
3. “Regarding the question of matrimony: Know thou that the command of marriage is eternal. It will never be changed nor altered. This is divine creation and there is not the slightest possibility that change or alteration affect this divine creation (marriage).”
4. “Of course, under normal circumstances, every person should consider it his moral duty to marry. And this is what Bahá’u’lláh has encouraged the believers to do. But marriage is by no means an obligation. In the last resort it is for the individual to decide whether he wishes to lead a family life or live in a state of celibacy.”
to an individual believer)
5. “It should, moreover, be borne in mind that although to be married is highly desirable, and Bahá’u’lláh has strongly recommended it, it is not the central purpose of life. If a person has to wait a considerable period before finding a spouse, or if ultimately, he or she must remain single, it does not mean that he or she is thereby unable to fulfill his or her life’s purpose.”
B. Commitments and Responsibilities
[edit]6. “Bahá’í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their
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purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity...
“The true marriage of Bahá’ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá’í marriage.”
7. “O ye two believers in God! The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.
“If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.
“Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds.”
8. “O ye my two beloved children! The news of your union, as soon as it reached me, imparted infinite joy and gratitude. Praise be to God, those two faithful birds have sought shelter in one nest. I beseech God that He may enable them to raise an honoured family, for the importance of marriage lieth in the bringing up of a richly blessed family, so that with entire gladness they may, even as candles, illuminate the world. For the enlightenment of the world dependeth upon the existence of man. If man did not exist in this world, it would have been like a tree without fruit. My hope is that you both may become even as one tree, and may, through the outpourings of the cloud of loving-kindness, acquire freshness and charm, and may blossom and yield fruit, so that your line may eternally endure.
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“Upon ye be the Glory of the Most Glorious.”
Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 120)
9. “…it is enjoined upon the father and mother, as a duty, to strive with all effort to train the daughter and the son, to nurse them from the breast of knowledge and to rear them in the bosom of sciences and arts. Should they neglect this matter, they shall be held responsible and worthy of reproach in the presence of the stern Lord.”
Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 127)
10. “There is nothing in the Sacred Writings specifically on the subjects of birth control, abortion or sterilization, but Bahá’u’lláh did state that the primary purpose of marriage was the procreation of children, and it is to this primary purpose that the beloved Guardian alludes in many of the letters which are quoted in the compilation. This does not imply that a couple are obliged to have as many children as they can; the Guardian’s secretary clearly stated on his behalf, in answer to an enquiry, that it was for the husband and wife to decide how many children they would have. A decision to have no children at all would vitiate the primary purpose of marriage unless, of course, there were some medical reason why such a decision would be required.”
1977 to an individual believer)
C. The Marriage Ceremony
[edit]11. “It is incumbent upon both parties to recite a specifically revealed verse indicating their being content with the will of God.”
Ordinances of the Kitáb-i-Aqdas, p. 40)
12. “The specifically revealed verse is, “We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.”
Ordinances of the Kitáb-i-Aqdas, p. 59)
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13. “...Bahá’í marriages should be referred to Assemblies to officiate.”
written on his behalf to the National Spiritual Assembly of Canada)
14. “The ceremony itself must be very simple.”
Bahá’í Administration, p. 13)
15. “Bahá’í marriage should at present not be pressed into any kind of a uniform mould. What is absolutely essential is what Bahá’u’lláh stipulated in the Aqdas: the friends can add to these selected writings if they please – but the so-called ‘Marriage Tablet’ (revealed by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá) is not a necessary part of every Bahá’í marriage.”
Bahá’í Administration, p. 14)
16. “In cases where there is more than one ceremony, the Bahá’í service and the other civil or religious ceremony must be performed on the same day.”
to the National Spiritual Assembly of Australia and New Zealand)
17. “As to the holding of the Bahá’í and civil ceremonies on the same day, as consummation of the marriage should not take place until both ceremonies have been held, a night should not intervene between the two ceremonies.”
to the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States)
18. “...The bride and groom, before two witnesses, must state: ‘We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.’ These two witnesses may be chosen by the couple or by the Spiritual Assembly, but must in any case be acceptable to the Assembly.”
to the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States)
19. “The consummation of marriage by a couple is, as you aptly state, an intimate and private matter outside the scrutiny of
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others. While consummation normally implies a sexual relationship, the Bahá’í law requiring consummation to take place within twenty-four hours of the ceremony can be considered as fulfilled if the couple has commenced cohabitation with the intention of setting up the family relationship.”
28 July, 1978 to an individual believer)
20. “…persons wishing to marry after they become Bahá’ís must have a Bahá’í ceremony and are indeed not regarded as married unless they have met the requirements of Bahá’í law.”
to the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States)
21. “…as the Guardian says, ‘Bahá’í marriage is something you perform when you are going to be united for the first time, not long after the union takes place.’ If, however, such a couple would like to have a meeting of their friends at which Bahá’í prayers and readings are said on behalf of their marriage now that they are Bahá’ís, there is no objection to their doing so, although it must be understood that this does not constitute a Bahá’í marriage ceremony.”
to the National Spiritual Assembly of Peru)
D. Marriage as the Basis of Unity
[edit]22. “The Great Being saith: O ye children of men! The fundamental purpose animating the Faith of God and His Religion is to safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men.”
23. “…Verily they are married in obedience to Thy command. Cause them to become the signs of harmony and unity until the end of time. Verily Thou art Omnipotent, the Omnipresent and the Almighty!”
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24. “From separation doth every kind of hurt and harm proceed, but the union of created things doth ever yield most laudable results. From the pairing of even the smallest particles in the world of being are the grace and bounty of God made manifest; and the higher the degree, the more momentous is the union. ‘Glory be to Him Who hath created all the pairs, of such things as earth produceth, and out of men themselves, and of things beyond their ken.’ And above all other unions is that between human beings, especially when it cometh to pass in the love of God. Thus is the primal oneness made to appear; thus is the foundation of love in the spirit.”
25. “Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close.
“Among the people of Baha, however, marriage must be a union of the body and of the spirit as well, for here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine, both are enamoured of the same matchless Face, both live and move through the same spirit, both are illumined by the same glory. This connection between them is a spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will abide forever. Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting ties in the physical world as well, for if the marriage is based both on the spirit and the body, that union is a true one, hence it will endure. If, however, the bond is physical and nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in separation.
“When, therefore, the people of Baha undertake to marry, the union must be a true relationship, a spiritual coming together as well as a physical one, so that throughout every phase of life, and in all the worlds of God, their union will endure; for this real oneness is a gleaming out of the love of God.
“In the same way, when any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this world. They will, all of them, become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that connection, will also abide forever. Souls, that is, who will consign their own selves to oblivion, strip from
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themselves the defects of humankind, and unchain themselves from human bondage, will beyond any doubt be illumined with the heavenly splendours of oneness, and will all attain unto real union in the world that dieth not.”
Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pp. 117-118)
26. “As to thy question concerning the husband and wife, the tie between them and the children given to them by God: Know thou, verily, the husband is one who hath sincerely turned unto God, is awakened by the call of the Beauty of the All-Glorious and chanteth the verses of Oneness in the great assemblies; the wife is a being who wisheth to be overflowing with and seeketh after the attributes of God and His names; and the tie between them is none other than the Word of God. Verily, it causeth the multitudes to assemble together and the remote ones to be united. Thus the husband and wife are brought into affinity, are united and harmonized, even as though they were one person. Through their mutual union, companionship and love great results are produced in the world, both material and spiritual. The spiritual result is the appearance of divine bounties. The material result is the children who are born in the cradle of the love of God, who are nurtured by the breast of the knowledge of God, who are brought up in the bosom of the gift of God, and who are fostered in the lap of the training of God. Such children are those of whom it was said by Christ, ‘Verily, they are the children of the Kingdom!’ ”
E. Attitude Towards Divorce
[edit]27. “God doth verily love union and concord, and abhorreth separation and divorce.”
sent by the Universal House of Justice to
National Spiritual Assemblies)
28. “Now the friends in America must live and conduct themselves in this way. They must strictly refrain from divorce
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unless something ariseth which compelleth them to separate because of their aversion for each other, in that case with the knowledge of the Spiritual Assembly they may decide to separate. They must then be patient and wait one complete year. If during this year harmony is not re-established between them, then divorce may be realized. It should not happen that upon the occurrence of a slight friction or displeasure between husband and wife, the husband would think of union with some other woman, or God forbid, the wife also think of another husband. This is contrary to the standard of heavenly value and true chastity. The friends of God must so live and conduct themselves, and evince such excellence of character and conduct, as to make others astonished. The love between husband and wife should not be purely physical, nay rather it must be spiritual and heavenly. These two souls should be considered as one soul. How difficult it would be to divide a single soul! Nay, greater would be the difficulty.
“In short, the foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness, relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between husband and wife. If one of these two become the cause of divorce, that one will unquestionably fall into great difficulties, will become the victim of formidable calamities and experience deep remorse.”
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, quoted in a compilation dated January 18, 1980,
sent by the Universal House of Justice to
National Spiritual Assemblies)
29. “The situation facing you is admittedly difficult and delicate, but no less grave and indeed vital are the responsibilities which it entails and which, as a faithful and loyal believer, you should conscientiously and thoroughly assume. The Guardian, therefore, while fully alive to the special circumstances of your case, and however profound his sympathy may be for you in this challenging issue with which you are so sadly faced, cannot, in view of the emphatic injunctions contained in the Teachings, either sanction your demand to contract a second marriage while your first wife is still alive and is united with you in the sacred bonds of matrimony, or even suggest or approve that you divorce her just in order to be permitted to marry a new one.
“For the Bahá’í Teachings do not only preclude the [Page 10]
possibility of bigamy, but also, while permitting divorce, consider it a reprehensible act, which should be resorted to only in exceptional circumstances, and when grave issues are involved, transcending such...considerations as physical attraction or sexual compatibility and harmony. The institution of marriage, as established by Bahá’u’lláh, while giving due importance to the physical aspect of marital union considers it as subordinate to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of the physical to the moral, and the carnal to the spiritual can such excesses and laxity in marital relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfill the true function for which it has been instituted by God.
“The Guardian will most fervently pray that, inspired and guided by such divine standard, and strengthened by Bahá’u’lláh’s unfailing assistance and confirmations, you may be able to satisfactorily adjust your relations with the persons concerned, and thus reach the one right solution for this assuredly challenging problem of your life.”
- (Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated May 8, 1939, written on his behalf to a believer who, having married his first wife out of compassion, now wished to be permitted to marry a woman with whom he had fallen in love, saying that his wife was agreeable to his taking this second wife.)
30. “Regarding divorce, the Guardian stated that it is discouraged, deprecated and against the good pleasure of God. The Assembly must circulate among the friends whatever has been revealed from the Pen of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in this connection so that all may be fully reminded. Divorce is conditional upon the approval and permission of the Spiritual Assembly. The members of the Assembly must in such matters independently and carefully study and investigate each case. If there should be valid grounds for divorce and it is found that reconciliation is utterly impossible, that antipathy is intense and its removal is not possible, then the Assembly may approve the divorce.”
- (Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated July 7, 1938, to the National Spiritual Assembly of Iran.)
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31. “Shoghi Effendi wishes me to add this note in connection with your marriage; he does not feel that any believer, under any circumstances whatsoever, can ever use the Cause or service to it as a reason for abandoning their marriage; divorce, as we know it, is very strongly condemned by Bahá’u’lláh, and only grounds of extreme gravity justify it.”
written on his behalf to an individual believer.)
32. “Wherever there is a Bahá’í family, those concerned should by all means do all they can to preserve it, because divorce is strongly condemned in the Teachings, whereas harmony, unity and love are held up as the highest ideals in human relationships. This must always apply to the Bahá’ís, whether they are serving in the pioneering field or not.”
written on his behalf to the National Spiritual Assembly
of Central America)
33. “He wishes me to tell you that he regrets extremely the sorrow that has come into your life, and that he agrees with all you have stated in general on the subject of divorce.
“There is no doubt about it that the believers in America, probably unconsciously influenced by the extremely lax morals prevalent and the flippant attitude towards divorce which seems to be increasingly prevailing, do not take divorce seriously enough and do not seem to grasp the fact that although Bahá’u’lláh has permitted it, He has only permitted it as a last resort and strongly condemns it.
“The presence of children, as a factor in divorce, cannot be ignored, for surely it places an even greater weight of moral responsibility on the man and wife in considering such a step. Divorce under such circumstances no longer just concerns them and their desires and feelings but also concerns the children’s entire future and their own attitude towards marriage.”
written on his behalf to an individual believer)
34. “Divorce should be avoided most strictly by the believers, and only under rare and urgent circumstances be
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resorted to. Modern society is criminally lax as to the sacred nature of marriage, and the believers must combat this trend assiduously.”
- (Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated January 5, 1948,
- written on his behalf to an individual believer)
35. “He was very sorry to hear that you are contemplating separation from your husband. As you no doubt know, Bahá’u’lláh considers the marriage bond very sacred; and only under very exceptional and unbearable circumstances is divorce advisable for Bahá’ís.
“The Guardian does not tell you that you must not divorce your husband; but he does urge you to consider prayerfully, not only because you are a believer and anxious to obey the laws of God, but also for the sake of the happiness of your children, whether it is not possible for you to rise above the limitations you have felt in your marriage hitherto, and make a go of it together.
“We often feel that our happiness lies in a certain direction; and yet, if we have to pay too heavy a price for it in the end we may discover that we have not really purchased either freedom or happiness, but just some new situation of frustration and disillusion.”
- (Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated April 5, 1951,
- written on his behalf to an individual believer.)
36. “He was very sorry to hear that you and your husband are still so unhappy together. It is always a source of sorrow in life when married people cannot get on well together, but the Guardian feels that you and your husband, in contemplating divorce, should think of the future of your children and how this major step on your part will influence their lives and happiness.
“If you feel the need of advice and consultation he suggests you consult your local Assembly; your fellow Bahá’ís will surely do all they can to counsel and help you, protect your interests and those of the Cause.”
- (Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated November 16, 1945,
- written on his behalf to an individual believer)
37. “Marriage is, in the Aqdas, set forth as a most sacred and binding tie, and the Bahá’ís should realize that divorce is viewed as
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a last resort, to be avoided at all costs if possible and not to be lightly granted.”
(Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated October 17, 1944, written on his behalf to an individual believer)
F. Sex in Marriage
[edit]38. “…Enter ye into wedlock, that after you another may arise in your stead. We, verily, have forbidden you lechery, and not that which is conducive to fidelity…”
(Bahá’u’lláh, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 49)
39. “Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves.”
(Bahá’u’lláh, Bahá’í Prayers, U.S. 1982, p. 105)
40. “Wherefore, wed Thou in the heaven of Thy mercy these two birds of the nest of Thy love, and make them the means of attracting perpetual grace: that from the union of these two seas of love a wave of tenderness may surge and cast the pearls of pure and goodly issue on the shore of life.”
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í Prayers, U.S. 1982, p. 188)
41. “Bahá’u’lláh has urged marriage upon all people as the natural and rightful way of life. He has also, however, placed strong emphasis on its spiritual nature, which, while in no way precluding a normal physical way of life, is the most essential aspect of marriage. That two people should live their lives in love and harmony is of far greater importance than that they should be consumed with passion for each other. The one is a great rock of strength on which to lean in time of need; the other is a purely temporary thing which may at any time die out.”
(Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated January 20, 1943 written on his behalf to an individual believer)
42. “The Bahá’í Faith recognizes the value of the sex impulse, but condemns its illegitimate and improper expressions such as free love, companionate marriage and others, all of which
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it considers positively harmful to man and to the society in which he lives. The proper use of the sex instinct is the natural right of every individual, and it is precisely for this very purpose that the institution of marriage has been established. The Bahá’ís do not believe in the suppression of the sex impulse but in its regulation and control.”
written on his behalf to an individual believer)
43. “The question you raise as to the place in one’s life that a deep bond of love with someone we meet other than our husband or wife can have is easily defined in view of the teachings. Chastity implies both before and after marriage an unsullied, chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste, after marriage absolutely faithful to one’s chosen companion. Faithful in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed.
“The world today is submerged, amongst other things, in an over-exaggeration of the importance of physical love, and a dearth of spiritual values. In as far as possible the believers should try to realize this and rise above the level of their fellow-men who are, typical of all decadent periods in history, placing so much over-emphasis on the purely physical side of mating. Outside of their normal, legitimate married life they should seek to establish bonds of comradeship and love which are eternal and founded on the spiritual life of man, not on his physical life. This is one of the many fields in which it is incumbent on the Bahá’ís to set the example and lead the way to a true human standard of life, when the soul of man is exalted and his body but the tool for his enlightened spirit. Needless to say this does not preclude the living of a perfectly normal sex life in its legitimate channel of marriage.”
written on his behalf to an individual believer)