Preserving Bahá’í Marriages/Text

[Page -4]

A Memorandum and Compilation prepared by the Universal House of Justice

[Page -3]PRESERVING BaHA’i MARRIAGES

A. MEMORANDUM AND COMPILATION PREPARED BY THE UNIVERSAL HOUSE OF JUSTICE

PRINTED IN CANADA [Page -1]CONTENTS

Introduction

AV MEMORANDUM PREPARED BY THE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT OF THE UNIVERSAL HOUuSE OF JUSTICE

1 The Baha’i Attitude towards Marriage and Divorce 2. Reasons for Divorce

3. Preserving Marriage

3.1 The Importance of Effort

3.2 Mutual Respect and Equality

3.3. Cooperation and a Forgiving Attitude 3.4 Consideration of Children

3.5 Family Consultation

3.6 Consultation with the Spiritual Assembly 3.7. Professional Counselling

3.8 Service — “the true basis of unity”

4. Conclusion

References

A COMPILATION ON PRESERVING BAHA’{ MARRIAGES

From the Writings of Baha’u’ lah

From the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Baha

From letters written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi

From letters written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice

Index

ili

SOOO DWDANANHWe

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13 15 18 26

33 [Page 0]INTRODUCTION

A number of communications received recently by the Universal House of Justice have indicated a lack of appreciation of the sanctity of Baha’i marriage. So the Universal House of Justice has requested the Research Department to make a special study concerning the urgent need for safeguarding the sacred marriage tie. The fruit of that study is published here.

This booklet is in two parts: the first is a memorandum, linking selected quotations around certain important themes. The second is a compilation of extracts from the Writings of Baha’u’ lah and ‘Abdu’ 1- Baha, and the letters of Shoghi Effendi and the Universal House of Justice on preserving Baha’i marriages. These extracts are the sources for the quotations in the memorandum.

Reading the memorandum alongside the extracts in the compi- lation will reinforce the effectiveness of the guidance they contain.

The Universal House of Justice hopes that the believers will meditate on the guidance contained in the memorandum and compi- lation, and come to appreciate more deeply their responsibilities as individuals and as a community in taking action to fulfil the true function of the institution of Baha’i marriage. [Page 1]PRESERVING BAHA’{ MARRIAGES

AMEMORANDUM PREPARED BY THE RESEARCH DEP ARTMENT OF THE UNIVERSAL HOUSE OF JUSTICE

December 1990

In recent months a number of questions have been raised about the Baha’i attitude towards divorce and the importance of preserving the marriage bond. These questions served to stimulate both a review of the guidance contained in the Baha’i Teachings on this vital subject and an exploration of some of the implications of these Teachings for everyday life. The focus of the following presentation is limited to a consideration of the Baha’i attitude towards marriage and divorce, the grounds for a Baha’i divorce, and a discussion of steps that can be taken to strengthen distressed marriages. No attempt has been made to address such topics as the requirements of the year of waiting and the responsibility of the Spiritual Assembly in administering the Baha’i divorce law.

1. THe BAHA’i ATTITUDE TOWARDS MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE

The subject of divorce needs to be considered within the frame- work of the Baha’i concept of marriage. Baha’u’llah came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the bond between the marriage partners.

‘Abdu’l-Baha describes marriage as “a true relationship”! a spiritual and physical “coming together”,? a “union”? that “will endure™ “in all the worlds of God”.’ He refers to the marriage partners as “two intimate friends’® and asserts that, should they live in unity,

they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven.’ [Page 2]Shoghi Effendi in letters written on his behalf characterized matriage as a “divine institution”® and a “most sacred and binding tie’? that “should lead to a profound friendship of spirit, which will endure in the next world”."”

“Harmony, unity and love’’!! are described as “the highest ideals in human relationships”.'? It follows, then, that wherever a Baha’i family exists every effort should be made to preserve it. Marriage and family life have a vitally important “social function”'? — the perpetuation of the human race and the preservation of social order.

The Baha’i Teachings permit divorce but strongly discourage its practice. Shoghi Effendi indicates that Baha’u’llah “has only permit- ted it as a last resort”!* and that He “strongly condemns it’’.!° He noted that there was a tendency for the believers to be affected by the prevailing cultural influences which “are so rapidly destroying home life and the beauty of family relationships, and tearing down the moral structure of society”.'° He adjudged “modern society” to be “criminally lax as to the sacred nature of marriage”'® and called upon the friends to “combat this trend assiduously”.'’ It is useful, therefore, to examine more closely the statements in the Writings in order to gain a deeper understanding of the Baha’i attitude towards divorce and to identify ways to stem its rising tide.

The serious nature of divorce is conveyed graphically in the Baha’i Writings. For example, in the Kitab-i-Aqdas Baha’u’llah states that “God. . . abhorreth separation and divorce”, while ‘Abdu’1-Baha explains that if one of the partners

becomes the cause of divorce, that one will unquestionably fall into great difficulties, will become the victim of formi- dable calamities and experience deep remorse.”!

While divorce is not forbidden in the Baha’i Faith, it is “very strongly frowned upon”.” Letters written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi indicate that divorce is “discouraged, deprecated and against the good pleasure of God”.” It is considered as “a reprehensible act” and the believers are called upon to “make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a Baha’i marriage to be dissolved”.* Divorce is, therefore, regarded as “a last resort to be avoided if humanly pos- sible”.

Both husband and wife have the right to ask for a divorce should they feel it “absolutely essential to do so”.2”?. The Guardian’s secre- tary, writing on his behalf, has indicated that, though permissible, “only under very exceptional and unbearable circumstances is di- [Page 3]vorce advisable for Baha'is"*® and that the believers should resort to divorce “only when every effort to prevent it has proved to be vain and ineffective”.”” In this context, it must also be recognized that the very fact that Baha’u’llah has permitted divorce is “an indication that in certain circumstances it is unavoidable”.*°

2. REASONS FOR DIVORCE

Under what circumstances, then, is divorce permissible? In A Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, the Most Holy Book of Baha’u’llah , p. 42, it is stated that:

If antipathy or resentment develop on the part of either the husband or the wife, divorce is permissible, only after the lapse of one full year.*!

Also, ‘Abdu’l-Baha advised the believers to

strictly refrain from divorce unless something ariseth which compelleth them to separate because of their aversion for each other, in that case with the knowledge of the Spiritual Assembly they may decide to separate.”

The Universal House of Justice links the notion of “aversion”? with the concept of “irreconcilable antipathy”™ and it states that “divorce is permissible when an irreconcilable antipathy exists be- tween the two parties to the marriage”.** It further clarifies that such “antipathy ... is not merely a lack of love for one’s spouse but an antipathy which cannot be resolved’** and states that the Spiritual Assembly must find that this condition “appears’””’ to exist before the date for the year of waiting can be established.

It is interesting to note that there are “no specific ‘grounds’ for Baha’i divorce such as there are in some codes of civil law’”.** Hence the misbehaviour of either party and considerations such as a lack of “physical attraction or sexual compatibility and harmony’’” do not automatically constitute causes for divorce. The House of Justice has clarified that:

A Baha’i should consider the possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong aversion to being married to the other partner.’ [Page 4]The strength of the “aversion”! is thus a key element. The re- sponsibility for determining whether a condition of “aversion”? or “antipathy or resentment’ exists in any particular situation rests with the individual marriage partners in consultation with the Spiri- tual Assembly.

3. PRESERVING MARRIAGE

Careful preparation for marriage is an essential first step in the preservation of Baha’i marriage. ‘Abdu’l-Baha and Shoghi Effendi set out a number of helpful guidelines to assist individuals to make wise and considered decisions in relation to marriage. For example, the Master counselled potential partners

to exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever.“

The Guardian’s secretary writing on his behalf to an individual who had sought his advice about a proposed marriage plan cautioned against “too hasty action’? which “inevitably produces’ “anxiety and suffering’*’ and called upon the believer to

give this question, which is of such vital concern to your future, the full consideration it deserves, and examine all its aspects carefully and dispassionately.**

The choice of marriage partner rests with the individuals con- cerned. ‘Abdu’l-Baha states that, before this choice is made, the parents “have no right to interfere”.*” However, once the individuals have chosen, “then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother”.°° Shoghi Effendi in a letter dated 19 March 1938 written on his behalf affirmed that the “freedom of the parents”*! in exercising their “right”*? to consent to the marriage of their child is “unrestricted and unconditioned”.*? He further stated that they “may refuse their consent on any ground, and they are responsible for their decision to God alone”’.**

It must be noted that the requirement of parental consent to marriage is not merely an administrative regulation. It is described as a “great law’ which Baha’u’llah “has laid down to strengthen the social fabric, to knit closer the ties of the home”.** Its purpose is “to promote unity and avoid friction”.*’

4 [Page 5]The Baha’i Writings contain many references to the importance of maintaining loving and unified family relationships. The friends are not only called upon to “do everything in their power to preserve the marriages they have contracted”,** but they must also “make of them exemplary unions, governed by the noblest motives”.*? In addressing this theme we draw specifically on letters written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi and the Universal House of Justice in response to questions from believers who were experiencing marital difficulties, in order to identify steps that might be taken to reduce the need for divorce.

3.1 THe IMPORTANCE OF EFFORT

Patient, prayerful and self-sacrificing effort is required in order to preserve marital and family life. In this regard Shoghi Effendi called upon couples to “take constructive action”® and not allow a deteriorating situation to get worse:

When the shadow of separation hangs over a husband and wife they should leave no stone unturned in their effort to avert its becoming a reality.°!

Couples are encouraged to make every effort to “salvage their marriage for the sake of God, rather than for their own sake”,® confident in the knowledge that even if their “endeavours do not yield any immediate fruit’ they are, thereby, fulfilling their “duty as a

Baha’i’”.™

3.2 MUTUAL RESPECT AND EQUALITY

The relationship between husband and wife is characterized by “mutual respect and equality”.© It is “governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of force to compel obedience to one’s will”. When asked to provide specific rules of conduct to govern the relationship between husbands and wives, the Universal House of Justice drew attention to a number of broad guidelines contained in the Writings:

... for example, the principle that the rights of each and all in the family unit must be upheld, and the advice that loving consultation should be the keynote, that all matters must be settled in harmony and love, and that there are times when [Page 6]the husband and the wife should defer to the wishes of the other. Exactly under what circumstances such deference should take place is a matter for each couple to determine. If, God forbid, they fail to agree, and their disagreement leads to estrangement, they should seek counsel from those they trust and in whose sincerity and sound judgement they have confidence, in order to preserve and strengthen their ties as a united family.”

3.3 COOPERATION AND A FORGIVING ATTITUDE

Reconciliation calls for a forgiving attitude and the willingness to endeavour to “compose... differences”® and to avoid “acting in such wise as to alienate the other party”. In relation to the development of an attitude of forgiveness, the Universal House of Justice provided the following advice to a spouse who enquired about how to cope with angry feelings experienced as a result of marital disharmony:

You ask how to deal with anger. The House of Justice suggests that you call to mind the admonitions found in our Writings on the need to overlook the shortcomings of others; to forgive and conceal their misdeeds, not to expose their bad qualities, but to search for and affirm their praiseworthy ones, and to endeavour to be always forbearing, patient, and merciful. Such passages as the following extracts from letters written on behalf of the beloved Guardian will be helpful:

There are qualities in everyone which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can love them; and perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which your husband possesses, this will help to improve the situation. . . .You should turn your thoughts away from the things which upset you, and constantly pray to Baha’u’llah to help you. Then you will find how that pure love, enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the Teachings, will warm and heal, more than anything else.

Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far [Page 7]from being ‘perfect as our heavenly father is per- fect’ and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy... .”

The crucial importance of the cooperative efforts of the marriage partners in striving to create a happy and secure marriage is stressed in the extract from a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice which is cited below:

Noting that you and your husband have consulted about your family problems with your Spiritual Assembly but did not receive any advice, and also discussed your situation with a family counsellor without success, the House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. How- ever, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families.”!

3.4 CONSIDERATION OF CHILDREN

In letters addressed to couples who were contemplating divorce, Shoghi Effendi drew attention to the fact that the presence of children “places an even greater weight of moral responsibility on the man and wife considering such a step”.” They are called upon to “think of the future”’> of their children and to recognize that children of divorced parents

cannot but suffer from conflicting loyalties, for they are deprived of the blessing of a father and mother in one home, to look after their interests and love them jointly.”

It should be noted that while the Baha’i Teachings place great emphasis on giving careful consideration to the potential impact of a divorce on the children, the couple is not required to remain married solely because of the existence of children in the household. Shoghi Effendi in a letter dated 10 November 1943 written on his behalf stated: [Page 8]Baha’u’llah has laid great emphasis on the sanctity of marriage, and the believers should exert their utmost to create harmony in their homes and a situation which at least is not bad for their children. But if, after prayer and self- sacrificing effort, this proves quite impossible, then they may resort to divorce.”

3.5 FAMILY CONSULTATION

The Universal House of Justice has identified “loving consulta- tion”’”® as “one of the keys to the strengthening of unity” in the family. Furthermore, the House of Justice has stated that: “Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict.””® To be effective, such consultation must, in addition to being frank, moderate and balanced, be characterized by mutual respect and equality. For example, in describing the process of consultation and decision-making within the family, the Universal House of Justice stated:

In any group, however loving the consultation, there are nev- ertheless points on which, from time to time, agreement cannot be reached. In a Spiritual Assembly this dilemma is resolved by a majority vote. There can, however, be no majority where only two parties are involved, as in the case of a husband and wife. There are, therefore, times when a wife should defer to her husband, and times when a husband should defer to his wife, but neither should ever unjustly dominate the other.”

3.6 CONSULTATION WITH THE SPIRITUAL ASSEMBLY

When believers are experiencing marital difficulties they are en- couraged “to turn to the Spiritual Assemblies for advice and counsel, and to follow this advice in their efforts to preserve the unity of their marital relationship” .*° The general and continuing responsibilities of the Spiritual Assembly in handling an application for Baha’i divorce and in counselling the believers are spelled out in the following extract from a letter dated 6 May 1987 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice: [Page 9]When an application for divorce is made to a Spiritual Assembly, its first thought and action should be to reconcile the couple and to ensure that they know the Baha’i teachings on the matter. God willing, the Assembly will be successful and no year of waiting need be started. However, if the Assembly finds that it is unable to persuade the party con- cerned to withdraw the application for divorce, it must conclude that, from its point of view, there appears to be an irreconcilable antipathy, and it has no alternative to setting the date for the beginning of the year of waiting. During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to reconcile their differences, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and encourage them. . . .*!

3.7 PROFESSIONAL COUNSELLING

In addition to consulting the Spiritual Assembly, it might also be beneficial for the couple “individually and together if possible”*’ to seek the assistance of competent professional marriage counsellors. Such professionals can, according to the Universal House of Justice, provide “useful insights and guidance in the use of constructive measures to bring about a greater degree of unity’”.*? The House of Justice further suggests that “it is usually necessary to temper’** non- Baha’i counselling with “Baha’i insight’”.®

3.8 SERVICE — “THE TRUE BASIS OF UNITY’”®®

Shoghi Effendi described “service”*’ as “the true basis”®* of family unity and called upon the family members to “arise with renewed effort to teach the Faith’.*° The Guardian’s secretary writing on his behalf to one couple who had “jointly undertaken a most successful teaching tour”? stated:

This bond of common service to the Cause which is so closely uniting your hearts . . . has proved such an effective solution of your personal problems.®!

And the hope was expressed that this “bond”? would be “further cemented by the passing of years”? and through the couple’s “increased and joint participation in the teaching work’. [Page 10]In another instance, where “inharmony and unhappiness’ had arisen in a couple’s home, they were counselled to devote more of

their time to teaching the Cause and “to pray together that Baha’u’llah may give you a real and lasting love for each other”.*®

4. CONCLUSION

The Baha’i Teachings present a very balanced approach to the subject of divorce. On the one hand, “divorce is discouraged and should be resorted to only when a prolonged effort to effect reconcili- ation has been unsuccessful.’ On the other hand, “divorce is permissible when an irreconcilable antipathy exists between the two parties to the marriage”.*® The marriage partners, in the first instance, have the moral responsibility to determine both the extent of the “aversion”? and whether their effort has been “prolonged”.'” The Spiritual Assembly must also conclude that the condition of “antipa- thy or resentment”!*! appears to exist before setting the date of the year of waiting.

The effort required to preserve and strengthen a Baha’i marriage is prolonged and inescapable. It requires prayer, perseverance, self- sacrifice, mutual respect, a willingness to cooperate and to forgive, and frank and loving consultation. It can, at times, be very painful. However, the Universal House of Justice provides the following assurance that the result of a “consecrated and determined effort”,!” even in seemingly impossible cases, is frequently blessed with a positive outcome:

There have been many instances in which a couple has, through a consecrated and determined effort, aided by the power of prayer and the advice of experts, succeeded in overcoming seemingly insuperable obstacles to their recon- ciliation and in reconstructing a strong foundation for their marriage. There are also innumerable examples of individu- als who have been able to effect drastic and enduring changes in their behaviour, through drawing on the spiritual powers available by the bounty of God.'°

10 [Page 11]REFERENCES

NOTE: The number in brackets following each reference corresponds to the number of the extract in the attached compilation.

1.

OAINANHBW ND

10. 11.

12. 13.

15. 16.

17. 18. . ibid [27] 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26.

27.

Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Baha (Haifa: Baha’i World Centre, 1982), sec. 84, p. 117 [3]

. ibid [3]

. Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahda, sec. 92, p. 122 [6] . ibid [6]

. From a letter dated 15 April 1939 written on behalf of Shoghi

Effendi to an individual believer [15]

. From a letter dated 17 October 1944 written on behalf of Shoghi

Effendi to an individual believer [21]

From a letter dated 4 December 1954 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [31]

From a letter dated 9 November 1956 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly [34]

ibid [34]

From a letter dated 17 February 1940 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [17]

. From a letter dated 19 December 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi

to an individual believer [26]

ibid [26]

From a letter dated 25 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly [25]

From a letter dated 5 January 1948 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [27]

ibid [27]

Baha’u’llah , from the Kitab-i-Aqdas (provisional translation) [1] ‘Abdu’1-Baha, from a Tablet translated from the Persian [7]

From a letter dated 6 March 1953 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [30]

From a letter dated 7 July 1938 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly [12]

From a letter dated 8 May 1939 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [16]

From a letter dated 6 March 1953 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [30]

From a letter dated 10 August 1945 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [22]

From a letter dated 6 July 1935 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [9]

ll [Page 12]28. 29; 30. 31. 32. 33; 34, 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41.

42. 43.

46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51.

52; 53: 54. 55.

56. a7,

58.

From a letter dated 5 April 1951 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [29]

From a letter dated 11 September 1938 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [13]

From a letter dated 28 April 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [44]

A Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, the Most Holy Book of Baha’u'llah (Haifa: Baha’i World Centre, 1973), p. 42 [2]

‘Abdu’1-Baha, from a Tablet translated from the Persian [7]

ibid [7]

From a letter dated 12 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [37]

From a letter dated 6 August 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [46]

From a letter dated 12 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [37]

From a letter dated 6 May 1987 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [42]

From a letter dated 3 November 1982 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [41]

From a letter dated 8 May 1939 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [16]

From a letter dated 3 November 1982 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [41]

‘Abdu’1-Baha, from a Tablet translated from the Persian [7]

ibid [7]

A Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, the Most Holy Book of Baha'u'llah, p. 42 [2]

. Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahd, sec. 86, p. 118 [5] 45.

From a letter dated 17 January 1939 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [14]

ibid [14]

Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahd, sec. 85, p. 118 [4]

ibid [4]

From a letter dated 19 March 1938 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [11]

ibid [11]

From a letter dated 25 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly [25]

ibid [25]

From a letter dated 12 August 1941 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly [19]

From a letter dated 19 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [24]

12 [Page 13]59. 60.

61. 62.

63.

64. 65.

66. . From a letter dated 16 May 1982 written on behalf of the Universal House

68. 69. 70. 71. 72: 73: 74. 75: 76.

Tide . Froma letter dated 1 August 1978 written on behalf of the Universal House

79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84.

85.

ibid [24]

From a letter dated 5 July 1949 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [28]

ibid [28]

From a letter dated 13 January 1956 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [32]

From a letter dated 23 July 1937 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [10]

ibid [10]

From a letter dated 22 July 1987 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [43]

ibid [43]

of Justice to an individual believer [40]

From a letter dated 11 September 1938 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [13]

From a letter dated 15 July 1928 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [8]

From a letter dated 17 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [38]

From a letter dated 24 June 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [36]

From a letter dated 19 December 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [26]

From a letter dated 16 November 1945 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [23]

From a letter dated 6 March 1953 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [30]

From a letter dated 10 November 1943 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer [20]

From a letter dated 28 December 1980 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly [39]

ibid [39]

of Justice to an individual believer [35]

From a letter dated 28 December 1980 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly [39]

From a letter dated 17 July 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [45]

From a letter dated 6 May 1987 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [42]

From a letter dated 17 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [38]

From a letter dated 17 July 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [45]

From a letter dated 17 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [38]

ibid [38]

13 [Page 14]98. 99. 100. 101. 102.

103.

. From a letter dated 6 September 1956 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi

to an individual believer [33]

. ibid [33] . ibid [33] . ibid [33] . Froma letter dated 16 December 1940 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi

to an individual believer [18]

. ibid [18] . ibid [18] . ibid [18] . ibid [18] . From a letter dated 5 July 1949 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an

individual believer [28]

. ibid [28] . From a letter dated 6 August 1989 written on behalf of the Universal

House of Justice to an individual believer [46]

ibid [46]

‘Abdu’l-Baha, from a Tablet translated from the Persian [7]

From a letter dated 6 August 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [46]

A Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, the Most Holy Book of Baha'u'llah, p. 42 [2]

From a letter dated 6 August 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer [46]

ibid [46]

14 [Page 15]PRESERVING BAHA’{i MARRIAGES

A COMPILATION PREPARED BY THE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT OF THE UNIVERSAL HOUSE OF JUSTICE

December 1990

FROM THE WRITINGS OF BAHA’U’LLAH

1. God doth verily love union and concord, and abhorreth separa- tion and divorce. (Kitab-i-Aqdas, provisional translation)

2. If antipathy or resentment develop on the part of either the husband or the wife, divorce is permissible, only after the lapse of one full year.... (A Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, the Most Holy Book of Baha’u'llah , p. 42)

FROM THE WRITINGS OF ‘ABDU’L-BAHA

3. Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close.

Among the people of Baha, however, marriage must be a union of the body and of the spirit as well, for here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine, both are enamoured of the same matchless Face, both live and move through the same spirit, both are illumined by the same glory. This connection between them is a spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will abide forever. Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting ties in the physical world as well, for if the marriage is based both on the spirit and the body, that union is a true one, hence it will endure. If, however, the bond is physical and

15 [Page 16]nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in separation.

When, therefore, the people of Baha undertake to marry, the union must be a true relationship, a spiritual coming together as well as a physical one, so that throughout every phase of life, and in all the worlds of God, their union will endure; for this real oneness is a gleaming out of the love of God.

In the same way, when any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this world. They will, all of them, become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that connection, will also abide forever. Souls, that is, who will consign their own selves to oblivion, strip from themselves the defects of humankind, and unchain themselves from human bondage, will beyond any doubt be illumined with the heavenly splendours of oneness, and will all attain unto real union in the world that dieth not.

(Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Baha, sec. 84, pp. 117-18)

4. As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother. Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right to interfere.

(Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Baha, sec. 85, p. 118)

5. Bahai marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity... .

The true marriage of Baha’is is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Baha’i marriage.

(Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahd, sec. 86, p. 118)

6. Oye two believers in God! The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companion- ship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two ‘intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.

16 [Page 17]If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.

Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds.

(Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahd, sec. 92, p. 122)

7. Formerly in Persia divorce was very easily obtained. Among the people of the past Dispensation a trifling matter would cause divorce. However, as the light of the Kingdom shone forth, souls were quickened by the spirit of Baha’u’llah, then they totally eschewed divorce. In Persia now divorce doth not take place among the friends, unless a compelling reason existeth which makes harmony impos- sible. Under such rare circumstances some cases of divorce take place.

Now the friends in America must live and conduct themselves in this way. They must strictly refrain from divorce unless something ariseth which compelleth them to separate because of their aversion for each other, in that case with the knowledge of the Spiritual Assembly they may decide to separate. They must then be patient and wait one complete year. If during this year, harmony is not re- established between them, then their divorce may be realized. It should not happen that upon the occurrence of a slight friction or displeasure between husband and wife, the husband would think of union with some other woman, or, God forbid, the wife also think of another husband. This is contrary to the standard of heavenly value and true chastity. The friends of God must so live and conduct themselves, and evince such excellence of character and conduct, as to make others astonished. The love between husband and wife must not be purely physical, nay, rather, it must be spiritual and heavenly. These two souls should be considered as one soul. How difficult it would be to divide a single soul! Nay, great would be the difficulty!

In short, the foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness, relationship and union, not upon differ- ences, especially between husband and wife. If one of these two becomes the cause of divorce, that one will unquestionably fall into great difficulties, will become the victim of formidable calamities

and experience deep remorse. (From a Tablet, translated from the Persian)

17 [Page 18]EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS WRITTEN ON BEHALF OF

SHOGHI EFFENDI (To individual believers unless otherwise noted)

8. When such difference of opinion and belief occurs between husband and wife it is very unfortunate for undoubtedly it detracts from that spiritual bond which is the stronghold of the family bond, especially in times of difficulty. The way, however, that it could be remedied is not by acting in such wise as to alienate the other party. One of the objects of the Cause is actually to bring about a closer bond in the homes. In all such cases, therefore, the Master used to advise obedience to the wishes of the other party and prayer. Pray that your husband may gradually see the light and at the same time so act as to draw him nearer rather than prejudice him. Once that harmony is secured then you will be able to serve unhampered. (15 July 1928)

9. Divorce is, according to the Aqgdas, permissible. But it is

discouraged. Both the husband and wife have equal right to ask for

divorce, and whenever either of them feels it absolutely essential to

do so. Divorce becomes valid even if one of the parties refuses to

accept it, and after one year of separation, during which period the

husband is under the obligation of providing for his wife and children. (6 July 1935)

10. The Guardian has received your letter . . . and has learned with deep concern of your family difficulties and troubles. He wishes me to assure you of his fervent prayers on your behalf and on behalf of your dear ones at home, that you may be guided and assisted from on High to compose your differences and to restore complete harmony and fellowship in your midst. While he would urge you to make any sacrifice in order to bring about unity in your family, he wishes you not to feel discouraged if your endeavours do not yield any immediate fruit. You should do your part with absolute faith that in doing so you

are fulfilling your duty as a Baha’i. The rest is assuredly in God’s hand. (23 July 1937)

18 [Page 19]11. The validity ofa Baha’i marriage is dependent upon the free and full consent of all four parents. The freedom of the parents in the exercise of this right is unrestricted and unconditioned. They may refuse their consent on any ground, and they are responsible for their decision to God alone.

(19 March 1938)

12. Regarding divorce, the Guardian stated that it is discouraged, deprecated and against the good pleasure of God. The Assembly must circulate among the friends whatever has been revealed from the Pen of ‘Abdu’|-Baha in this connection so that all may be fully reminded. Divorce is conditional upon the approval and permission of the Spiritual Assembly. The members of the Assembly must in such matters independently and carefully study and investigate each case. If there should be valid grounds for divorce and it is found that reconciliation is utterly impossible, that antipathy is intense and its removal is not possible, then the Assembly may approve the divorce. (7 July 1938 to a National Spiritual Assembly)

13. The Guardian is in receipt of your letter... and has learned with deep concern of the state of disharmony existing between you and your husband.

While he wishes me to assure you that he will pray for the solution of your domestic troubles, he would urge you to endeavour, by every means in your power, to compose your differences, and not to allow them to reach such proportions as to lead to your complete and final separation from your husband.

For while, according to the Baha’i law, divorce is permissible, yet it is highly discouraged, and should be resorted to only when every effort to prevent it has proved to be vain and ineffective.

It is for you, and for Mr. . . . as well, to ponder carefully over the spiritual implications which any act of divorce on either part would involve, and, strengthened by the power of faith and confident in the blessings which strict adherence to the principles and laws of Baha’u’lla4h is bound to confer upon every one of His faithful followers, to make a fresh resolve to solve your common difficulties and to restore the harmony, peace and happiness of your family life.

(11 September 1938)

14. I wish to assure you, in particular, of his supplications for your guidance in connection with your proposed plan to unite in marriage with Dr. ... May the Beloved help you in forming the right decision, and spare you the anxiety and suffering which too hasty action in such

19 [Page 20]matters inevitably produces. You should give this question, which is of such vital concern to your future, the full consideration it deserves, and examine all its aspects carefully and dispassionately. The final

decision rests with you and Dr.... (17 January 1939)

15. The Baha’i Teachings do not only encourage marital life, consid- ering it the natural and normal way of existence for every sane, healthy and socially-conscious and responsible person, but raise marriage to the status of a divine institution, its chief and sacred purpose being the perpetuation of the human race — which is the very flower of the entire creation — and its elevation to the true station destined for it by God. (15 April 1939)

16. The situation facing you* is admittedly difficult and delicate, but no less grave and indeed vital are the responsibilities which it entails and which, as a faithful and loyal believer, you should conscien- tiously and thoroughly assume. The Guardian, therefore, while fully alive to the special circumstances of your case, and however pro- found his sympathy may be for you in this challenging issue with which you are so sadly faced, cannot, in view of the emphatic injunctions contained in the Teachings, either sanction your demand to contract a second marriage while your first wife is still alive and is united with you in the sacred bonds of matrimony, or even suggest or approve that you divorce her just in order to be permitted to marry a new one.

For the Baha’i Teachings do not only preclude the possibility of bigamy, but also, while permitting divorce, consider it a reprehen- sible act, which should be resorted to only in exceptional circum- stances, and when grave issues are involved, transcending such considerations as physical attraction or sexual compatibility and harmony. The institution of marriage, as established by Baha’u’ lah, while giving due importance to the physical aspect of marital union, considers it as subordinate to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of the

A believer who, having married his first wife out of compassion, now wished

to be permitted to marry a woman with whom he had fallen in love, saying that his wife was agreeable to his taking this second wife.

20 [Page 21]physical to the moral, and the carnal to the spiritual, can such excesses and laxity in marital relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfil the true function for which it has been instituted by God.

The Guardian will most fervently pray that, inspired and guided by such a divine standard, and strengthened by Baha’u’1l4h’s unfail- ing assistance and confirmations, you may be able to satisfactorily adjust your relations with the persons concerned, and thus reach the one right solution to this assuredly challenging problem of your life.

(8 May 1939)

17. He has noted the question you had asked concerning the problem of marriage, and its infrequency among the believers in general. It is indeed a matter of deep regret to him that some of our young believers do not attach due importance to the question of marriage, and seem, as you state, to be under the impression that marital life has been discouraged in the Cause. This is certainly an erroneous conception, and whosoever takes the pain to carefully and intelli- gently read the words of Baha’u’llah, and to ponder over their implications, cannot but be convinced of the truth that in the Baha’i Faith marriage, and family life, in particular, are both not only commendable, but constitute a social function of highest and indeed vital importance, as through them alone the human race is perpetu- ated.

The believers should well know that whereas Baha’u’llah has not made marriage a binding obligation, He has nevertheless attrib- uted to it such spiritual and social significance as no individual believer, under normal circumstances, can well be justified in disre- garding it. In fact, in His Book of Laws (the Kitab-i-Aqdas)He em- phatically stresses its importance, and defines its essential purpose, namely the procreation of children and their training in the Religion of God, that they may know and adore Him, and mention and praise

His Name. (17 February 1940)

18. ... he indeed feels rejoiced at the happy news of the settlement of your domestic differences with Mrs. . . . and particularly to know that you have jointly undertaken a most successful teaching tour. . . _ This bond of common service to the Cause which is so closely uniting your hearts and has proved such an effective solution of your personal problems, he hopes, and indeed will fervently pray, will be

21 [Page 22]further cemented by the passing of years and through your increased and joint participation in the teaching work. .. . (16 December 1940)

19. Regarding the question whether it is necessary to obtain the consent of the parents of a non-Baha’i participant in a marriage with a Baha’i: as Baha’u’llah has stated that the consent of the parents of both parties is required in order to promote unity and avoid friction, and as the Aqdas does not specify any exceptions to this rule, the Guardian feels that under all circumstances the consent of the parents

of both parties is required. (12 August 1941 to a National Spiritual Assembly)

20. Baha’u’llah has laid great emphasis on the sanctity of marriage, and the believers should exert their utmost to create harmony in their homes and a situation which at least is not bad for their children. But if, after prayer and self-sacrificing effort, this proves quite impos- sible, then they may resort to divorce.

(10 November 1943)

21. Marriage is, in the Agdas, set forth as a most sacred and binding tie, and the Baha’is should realize that divorce is viewed as a last resort, to be avoided at all costs if possible and not to be lightly granted.

(17 October 1944)

22. He feels that you and your wife should do everything in your power to produce a harmonious relationship between you and avoid divorce by all means, if possible. The Baha’{ attitude is that marriage is a very serious and sacred relationship and divorce a last resort to be avoided if humanly possible.

(10 August 1945)

23. He was very sorry to hear that you and your husband are still so unhappy together. It is always a source of sorrow in life when married people cannot get on well together, but the Guardian feels that you and your husband, in contemplating divorce, should think of the future of your children and how this major step on your part will influence their lives and happiness.

If you feel the need of advice and consultation he suggests you consult your Local Assembly; your fellow Baha’is will surely do all

they can to counsel and help you, protect your interests and those of the Cause.

(16 November 1945) 22 [Page 23]24. The Guardian has the impression that your husband is a fine man, and he is very pleased to hear you two are arranging to be reunited. He feels very strongly that Baha’is, if possible, more especially Baha’is who serve the Cause as actively and conspicuously as you and your family do, should set the newer believers and the young Baha’is a high example in every way. As Baha’u’llah was so very much against divorce (even though He permits it) and considered matriage a most sacred responsibility, believers should do everything in their power to preserve the marriages they have contracted, and to make of them exemplary unions, governed by the noblest motives. (19 October 1947)

25. Baha’u’llah has clearly stated the consent of all living parents is required for a Baha’i marriage. This applies whether the parents are Baha’ is or non-Baha’is, divorced for years or not. This great law He has laid down to strengthen the social fabric, to knit closer the ties of the home, to place a certain gratitude and respect in the hearts of children for those who have given them life and sent their souls out on the eternal journey towards their Creator. We Baha’ is must realize that in present-day society the exact opposite process is taking place: young people care less and less for their parents’ wishes, divorce is considered a natural right, and obtained on the flimsiest and most unwarrantable and shabby pretexts. People separated from each other, especially if one of them has had full custody of the children, are only too willing to belittle the importance of the partner in marriage also responsible as a parent for bringing those children into this world. The Baha’is must, through rigid adherence to the Baha’i laws and teachings, combat these corrosive forces which are so rapidly destroying home life and the beauty of family relationships,

and tearing down the moral structure of society. (25 October 1947 to a National Spiritual Assembly)

26. There is no doubt about it that the believers in America, probably unconsciously influenced by the extremely lax morals prevalent and the flippant attitude towards divorce which seems to be increasingly prevailing, do not take divorce seriously enough and do not seem to grasp the fact that although Baha’u’llah has permitted it, He has only permitted it as a last resort and strongly condemns it.

The presence of children, as a factor in divorce, cannot be ignored, for surely it places an even greater weight of moral respon- sibility on the man and wife in considering sucha step. Divorce under such circumstances no longer just concerns them and their desires and

23 [Page 24]feelings but also concerns the children’s entire future and their own attitude towards marriage.

As to whether you and Mr. .. . should now divorce: this is a mat- ter which so intimately concerns you both, your children, and your future that he does not feel he can do more than point out to you what

he has stated above. The decision must rest with you both. (19 December 1947)

27. Divorce should be avoided most strictly by the believers, and only under rare and urgent circumstances be resorted to. Modern society is criminally lax as to the sacred nature of marriage, and the

believers must combat this trend assiduously. (5 January 1948)

28. He was sorry to hear of the inharmony and unhappiness which has arisen in your home, and he assures you he will pray for its removal.

He suggests to you that perhaps you are not giving your husband enough of your love, physically and spiritually, to keep his interest centred in you. Marriage problems are often very involved and subtle, and we Baha ’is, being enlightened and progressive people, should not hesitate, if it seems necessary or desirable, to turn to science for help in such matters. If you and your husband talked over your problems — together or separately — with a good physician you might find that you can cure your own husband, or at least try to do so. It is a great pity that two believers, united in this glorious Cause, and blessed with a family, should not be able to live together really harmoniously, and he feels you should take constructive action and not allow the situation to get worse. When the shadow of separation hangs over a husband and wife they should leave no stone unturned in their effort to avert its becoming a reality.

He urges you both to devote more of your time to teaching the Cause and to pray together that Baha’u’llah may give you a real and

lasting love for each other. (5 July 1949)

29. He was very sorry to hear that you are contemplating separation from your husband. As you no doubt know, Baha’u’lléh considers the marriage bond very sacred; and only under very exceptional and unbearable circumstances is divorce advisable for Baha’is.

The Guardian does not tell you that you must not divorce your husband; but he does urge you to consider prayerfully, not only

24 [Page 25]because you are a believer and anxious to obey the laws of God, but also for the sake of the happiness of your children, whether it is not possible for you to rise above the limitations you have felt in your marriage hitherto, and make a go of it together.

We often feel that our happiness lies in a certain direction; and yet, if we have to pay too heavy a price for it in the end we may discover that we have not really purchased either freedom or happi- ness, but just some new situation of frustration and disillusion.

(5 April 1951)

30. He feels that you should by all means make every effort to hold your marriage together, especially for the sake of your children, who, like all children of divorced parents, cannot but suffer from conflict- ing loyalties, for they are deprived of the blessing of a father and mother in one home, to look after their interests and love them jointly.

Now that you realize that your husband is ill, you should be able to reconcile yourself to the difficulties you have faced with him emo- tionally, and not take an unforgiving attitude, however much you may suffer.

We know that Baha’u’llah has very strongly frowned upon divorce; and it is really incumbent upon the Baha’is to make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a Baha’i marriage to be dissolved.

(6 March 1953)

31. What the Baha’is must do is not commit adultery if they are married, and refrain from sexual intimacy before marriage. It is not a sin in the Baha’i Faith if you do not marry, but marriage is recommended to the believers by Baha’u’1lah.

There is no teaching in the Baha’i Faith that “soul mates” exist. What is meant is that marriage should lead to a profound friendship of spirit, which will endure in the next world, where there is no sex, and no giving and taking in marriage; just the way we should establish with our parents, our children, our brothers and sisters and friends a deep spiritual bond which will be everlasting, and not merely physical

bonds of human relationship. (4 December 1954)

32. He has been very sorry to hear that your marriage seems to have failed utterly. I need not tell you as a Baha’i that every effort should be made by any Baha’i to salvage their marriage for the sake of God, rather than for their own sake. In the case of pioneers, it is even more important, because they are before the public eye. However, in such

25 [Page 26]matters it is neither befitting nor right that the Guardian should bring

pressure on individuals. He can only appeal to you and... to try again;

but if you cannot rise to this test, that is naturally a personal matter. (13 January 1956)

33. The Guardian will pray for the solution of your problems. He will pray for the healing of your son, and for the happiness and unity of your family. The true basis of unity is service, and he hopes all the members will arise with renewed effort to teach the Faith.

(6 September 1956)

34. Wherever there is a Baha’i family, those concerned should by all means do all they can to preserve it, because divorce is strongly condemned in the Teachings, whereas harmony, unity and love are held up as the highest ideals in human relationships. This must always apply to the Baha’is, whether they are serving in the pioneering field or not.

(9 November 1956 to a National Spiritual Assembly)

EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS WRITTEN ON BEHALF OF THE UNIVERSAL HOUSE OF JUSTICE (To individual believers unless otherwise noted)

35. In considering the problems that you and your wife are experi- encing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Baha’u’llah came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.

Baha’u’llah also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea

26 [Page 27]for domestic conflict. Wives should not attempt to dominate their husbands, nor husbands their wives. .. . (1 August 1978)

36. Your letter... describing the difficulties confronting your family distressed the Universal House of Justice and we are requested to convey the following to you.

Noting that you and your husband have consulted about your family problems with your Spiritual Assembly but did not receive any advice, and also discussed your situation with a family counsellor without success, the House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well- being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. How- ever, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families. You mention your concern over your eldest daughter. It is suggested that you include her and perhaps your younger children in family consul- tations. As Baha’i s we understand the importance of the consultative process and we should not feel it is to be used only by the Spiritual Assemblies.

(24 June 1979)

37. Irreconcilable antipathy arising between the parties to a marriage is not merely a lack of love for one’s spouse but an antipathy which cannot be resolved. It is for the Spiritual Assembly to decide whether this condition exists before it sets the date for the beginning of the year of waiting, and this it may do on the application of one of the parties. It is not affected by the other party’s not wishing to apply for a divorce.

The date for the beginning of the year of waiting having been fixed, it is the obligation of the parties to make every effort to reconcile their differences and to try to preserve the marriage. The Spiritual Assembly has the obligation to offer them every assistance in this regard... .

Obviously, seeking the assistance of one’s Spiritual Assembly is a part of the Baha’i divorce procedure, and the parties concerned should consult with the Assembly about their problems. It is within the discretion of the parties, or either of them, to also avail themselves

of professional marriage counsellors. (12 July 1979)

27 [Page 28]38. Your letter of . . . to the Universal House of Justice makes clear that you are seeking to re-establish your marriage through study of the Writings and through various modes of consultation and assistance. We are asked to convey its advice on this vital subject of reconcili- ation of partners in marriage in the context of understanding of yourself and your relationship to others.

You are urged to persevere in your studies, in your prayers for resolution of your problems, and in your meditation which may provide guidance and confidence, inasmuch as the understanding of self and of relationships to others are contained in the Writings and in the example of the Master, ‘Abdu’l-Baha.

Neither you nor your husband should hesitate to continue con- sulting professional marriage counsellors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage of the supportive counselling which can come from wise and mature friends. Non-Baha’i counsel- ling can be useful but it is usually necessary to temper it with Baha’i insight.

You ask how to deal with anger. The House of Justice suggests that you call to mind the admonitions found in our Writings on the need to overlook the shortcomings of others; to forgive and conceal their misdeeds, not to expose their bad qualities, but to search for and affirm their praiseworthy ones, and to endeavour to be always forbearing, patient, and merciful. Such passages as the following extracts from letters written on behalf of the beloved Guardian will be helpful:

There are qualities in everyone which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can love them; and perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which your husband possesses, this will help to improve the situation.

. You should turn your thoughts away from the things which upset you, and constantly pray to Baha’u’llah to help you. Then you will find how that pure love, enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the Teachings, will warm and heal, more than anything else.

Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being “perfect as our heavenly father is perfect” and the task of perfecting our

‘own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy... . (17 July 1979)

28 [Page 29]39. The relationship between husband and wife must be viewed in the context of the Baha’i ideal of family life. Baha’u’llah came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, one must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it, and one of the keys to a strengthening of unity is loving consultation. The atmosphere within a Baha’i family as within the community as a whole should express “the keynote of the Cause of God” which, the beloved Guardian has stated, “is not dictatorial authority, but humble fellowship, not arbitrary power, but the spirit of frank and loving consultation. .. .”

In any group, however loving the consultation, there are never- theless points on which, from time to time, agreement cannot be reached. In a Spiritual Assembly this dilemma is resolved by a majority vote. There can, however, be no majority where only two parties are involved, as in the case of a husband and wife. There are, therefore, times when a wife should defer to her husband, and times when a husband should defer to his wife, but neither should ever

unjustly dominate the other... . (28 December 1980 to a National Spiritual Assembly)

40. You have asked, however, for specific rules of conduct to govern the relationships of husbands and wives. This the House of Justice does not wish to do, and it feels that there is already adequate guidance included in the compilation on this subject; for example, the principle that the rights of each and all in the family unit must be upheld, and the advice that loving consultation should be the keynote, that all matters must be settled in harmony and love, and that there are times when the husband and wife should defer to the wishes of the other. Exactly under what circumstances such deference should take place is a matter for each couple to determine. If, God forbid, they fail to agree, and their disagreement leads to estrangement, they should seek counsel from those they trust and in whose sincerity and sound judgement they have confidence, in order to preserve and

strengthen their ties as a united family. (16 May 1982)

41. Concerning the definition of the term “aversion” in relation to Baha’i divorce law, the Universal House of Justice points out that there are no specific “grounds” for Baha’i divorce such as there are in some codes of civil law. Baha’i law permits divorce but, as both Baha’u’ll4h and ‘Abdu’l-Baha have made very clear, divorce is abhorred. Thus, from the point of view of the individual believer he

29 [Page 30]should do all he can to refrain from divorce. Baha’is should be profoundly aware of the sanctity of marriage and should strive to make their marriages an eternal bond of unity and harmony. This requires effort and sacrifice and wisdom and self-abnegation. A Baha’{ should consider the possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong aversion to being married to the other partner. This is a standard held up to the individual. It is not a law, but an exhortation. It is a goal to which we should strive.

From the point of view of the Spiritual Assembly, however, the matter is somewhat different. The Spiritual Assembly should always be concerned that the believers in its community are being deepened in their understanding of the Baha’i concept of marriage, especially the young people, so that the very thought of divorce will be abhorrent to them... .

It can be seen, therefore, that “aversion” is not a specific legal term that needs to be defined. Indeed a number of other terms are used in describing the situation that can lead to divorce in Baha’i law, such as “antipathy”, “resentment”, “estrangement”, “impossibility of es- tablishing harmony” and “irreconcilability”. The texts, however, point out that divorce is strongly condemned, should be viewed as “a last resort” when “rare and urgent circumstances” exist, and that the partner who is the “cause of divorce” will “unquestionably” become the “victim of formidable calamities”.

(3 November 1982)

42. When an application for divorce is made to a Spiritual Assembly, its first thought and action should be to reconcile the couple and to ensure that they know the Baha’i teachings on the matter. God willing, the Assembly will be successful and no year of waiting need be started. However, if the Assembly finds that it is unable to persuade the party concerned to withdraw the application for divorce, it must conclude that, from its point of view, there appears to be an irreconcilable antipathy, and it has no alternative to setting the date for the beginning of the year of waiting. During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to reconcile their differences, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and encourage them. But if the year of waiting comes to an end without reconciliation the Baha’i divorce must be granted as at the date of the granting of the civil divorce if this has not already taken place. (6 May 1987)

43. It is clear that the Baha’i teachings call for an absolute standard of fidelity in the relationship between husband and wife. An excerpt

30 [Page 31]from a letter dated 28 September 1941 to an individual believer written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, quoted in Messages from the Universal House of Justice, 1968-1973, page 108, states:

The question you raise as to the place in one’s life that a deep bond of love with someone we meet other than our husband or wife can have is easily defined in view of the teachings. Chastity implies both before and after marriage an unsullied, chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste, after marriage absolutely faithful to one’s chosen companion. Faithful in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed.

It is also evident from Baha’i teachings that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, and that such a reprehensible action is the antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined by the Baha’i writings — a relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of force to compel obedience to one’s will.

(22 July 1987)

44.The House of Justice advises you to continue the strenuous efforts you are making to overcome the difficulties in your marriage. It is pleased to note that you and your husband have turned to the Local Spiritual Assembly for guidance and have sought help from a Baha’i who is a marriage counsellor. Such endeavours, when com- bined with a strong and determined effort, improve greatly the prospects that your marriage can be maintained. However, it must also be borne in mind that the fact that Baha’u’llah has permitted divorce is, no doubt, an indication that in certain circumstances it is unavoidable. If your earnest efforts to maintain your marriage do not yield the desired result, you should not be distraught. (28 April 1989)

45. The House of Justice is distressed to learn that you and your husband are continuing to experience marital difficulties. It has frequently advised believers in such situations to turn to the Spiritual Assemblies for advice and counsel, and to follow this advice in their efforts to preserve the unity of their marital relationship. It has been found useful in many instances to also seek the assistance of compe- tent professional marriage counsellors, who can provide useful in- sights and guidance in the use of constructive measures to bring about

a greater degree of unity. (17 July 1989)

31 [Page 32]46. ... no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental or physical. ... When a Baha’i wife finds herself in such a situation and feels it cannot be resolved through consultation with her husband, she could well turn to the Local Spiritual Assembly for advice and guidance, and might also find it highly advantageous to seek the assistance of competent professional counsellors. If the husband is also a Baha’i, the Local Spiritual Assembly can bring to his attention the need to avoid abusive behaviour and can, if necessary, take firm measures to encourage him to conform to the admonitions of the teachings.

There have been many instances in which a couple has, through aconsecrated and determined effort, aided by the power of prayer and the advice of experts, succeeded in overcoming seemingly insuper- able obstacles to their reconciliation and in reconstructing a strong foundation for their marriage. There are also innumerable examples of individuals who have been able to effect drastic and enduring changes in their behaviour, through drawing on the spiritual powers available by the bounty of God.

As you know, in the Baha’i Faith, divorce is discouraged and should be resorted to only when a prolonged effort to effect reconcili- ation has been unsuccessful. However, it should also be noted that divorce is permissible when an irreconcilable antipathy exists be- tween the two parties to the marriage.

(6 August 1989)

32 [Page 33]INDEX

The numbers after each subject refer to the extract(s) in which it appears, not page numbers. The letter ““m” before a number shows that the subject appears in the Memorandum; other entries refer to the compilation of

extracts.

‘Abdu’l-Baha (the Master), m1, m2, m3, 8, 12, 38, 41

abuse (mental, physical, emotional), 43, 46

adultery, 31

America, Baha’is in, 7, 26

anger, m3.3, 38

Baha’i Faith (the Cause, of God; Religion of God), 8, 17, 23, 24, 31, 35, 39, 46 law, laws, 13, 25, 41 service to, m3.8, 18, 33, 35 teaching the, m3.8, 18, 33 teachings, ml, m3.3, m3.4, m3.6, 15, 16, 25, 34, 38, 42, 43 writings, m1, m3, m3.3, 38, 43 Baha’ is (believers; friends, of God; His faithful followers; people of Baha), 3, 20, 21, 23, 25, 27, 30, 31, 34, 41 new, 24 young, 17, 24, 41 Baha’u’llah, m1, m3.3, m3.4, m3.8, 7, 13, 16, 17, 19, 20, 25, 28, 29, 31, 35, 38, 39 permits but condemns divorce, ml, 24, 26, 30, 41, 44 behaviour, conduct, m4, 7, 46 bigamy, 16

character, qualities, m3.3, 7, 38

chastity, 7, 43

children, 9, 20, 31 potential effect of divorce on, m3.4, 23, 26, 29, 30

counselling, professional, m3.3, m3.7, 36, 37, 38, 44, 45, 46

disillusion, 29

divorce, Baha’i attitude towards, m1, m4, 1,

9, 12, 13, 21-7, 29, 30, 34, 41, 44, 46 circumstances in which permissable,

33

m2, m3.2, m3.6, m4, 2, 7, 12, 20, 37, 40-2, 46

civil, m2, 41, 42

fate of partner who causes, ml, 7, 41 modern society’s attitude, 25, 26, 27 domestic conflict, troubles, m3.5, 13, 35

faith, 10, 13 family, m1, m3.1, m3.2, m3.3, m3.5, 8, 10, 13, 16, 33, 36 consultation, m3.5, 35, 36, 39, 40 preservation of, ml, m3.2, 34 rights of members, m3.2, 40 unity, m3.5, m3.8, 10, 33, 35, 40 favour, divine, ml, 6 freedom, 29 friction, m3, 7, 19 frustration, 29

God, m1, m3, m3.1, m3.2, m3.3, m3.6, 1, 7, 10, 11, 15, 16, 32, 38, 40, 42 attributes:-

all-loving, 16

all-wise, 16

peerless, 6 bounty of, m4, 46 good pleasure of, m1, 12 law (laws) of, 4, 29 love of, 3 titles:-

Creator, 25

Lord, 6

Providence, 16 worlds of, m1, 3, 5 grace, divine, ml, 6

happiness, m3.3, 13, 29 harmony, m1, m3.4, 20, 34, 41 [Page 34]home life, m1, 8, 20, 25 human race, perpetuation of, m1, 15, 17

Kingdom, heavenly, of God, of heaven, ml, 6,7

Kitab-i-Aqdas (Book of Laws), m1, m2, 9, 17, 19

love, ml, m3.3, 3, 7, 34, 38

marriage, Baha’i attitude towards, m1, 3, 5, 15-17, 21, 22, 41 difficulties, problems, m3, m3.6, 13, 28, 30, 44, 45 function and purpose, m1, 16, 17 partners, alienation, m3.3, 8 differences, disagreement, dishar mony, m3.2, m3.3, m3.8, 7, 8, 10, 13, 18, 28, 37, 40 consultation between, m3.2, m3.5, m4, 38, 39, 43 praying, teaching together, m3.8, 28 qualities required for successful relation ship, ml, m3.1-5, m3.7, m3.8, m4, 3, 5, 7, 8, 20, 28, 31, 36, 38, 40, 41, 43 relation, ml, m3.2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 22, 31, 39, 40, 43 unhappiness, m3.8, 28 preparation for, m3, 5, 14 preserving and strengthening, m3, m3.1, m4, 24, 30, 32, 37, 45 sacred nature, sanctity, m1, m3.4, 20, 27, 29, 41 source of security and well-being, m3.3, 36 meditation, 38

parents, relations with, 25, 31

consent required for marriage, m3, 4, 11, 19, 25

peace, ml, 6, 13

Persia, Baha’is in, 7

pioneers, 32, 34

powers, spiritual, m4, 46

prayer, m3.1, m3.3, m3.4, m3.8, m4, 8, 20,

38, 46

problems, personal, m3.8, 18

reconciliation, m3.3, m3.6, m4, 12, 38, 42, 46

relationships, m3, 31, 34

separation, m3.1, 1, 7, 13, 28, 29 sex, 16, 31, 43 Shoghi Effendi (the Guardian), ml, m3, m3.1, m3.3, m3.4, m3.8, 10, 12, 13, 16, 19, 23, 24, 29, 32, 33, 38, 39, 42 society (social fabric, social order), m1,m3, 25 soul mates, 31 Spiritual Assembly, m3.5, 7, 36, 37, 39, 45 Local, consultation with, m2, m3.3, m3.6, 23, 38, 44, 46 obligations, responsibilities, m3.6, m4, 38, 41, 42 National, 12

unity, (oneness, union), m3, 1, 7, 19, 34, 35, 39

Universal House of Justice, m2, m3.3, m3.5, m3.6, m3.7, m4, 35, 36, 38, 40, 41, 44, 45

will-power, m3.3, 38 world, next, that dieth not, 3.1, 31

year of waiting, m2, m3.6, m4, 2, 7,9, 37,42

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